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Jin Smylez

Autobiography in one page

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Well my first assignment for this semesters english class was to write an auto biography in one page with nothing smaller than size 12 font. I decided the main focus was to be my grandfather, as I believe he was the most influential person in my life. Please tell me what you think. and be honest!

 

Hello, my name is Brenden. I was born on March 9th, 1993, at about 3 A.M. Highline Community Hospital, Burien. That is where my life began. My mother, Danyell, had me with a man named Joel Reyes, a man I’ve never met.

 

For the first few years of my life I lived with my mother, Danyell, and her mother and father, Judith and Charles Collins, in Des Moines, Washington. Charles, or Chuck as everyone calls him, became one of the most influential people in my life. He became like a father figure to me, he filled the void that most people didn’t have to deal with. This man raised me like a son, and I respected him like a father. He taught me how to ride a bike, he played catch with me everyday, he even made me a Soap Box Derby car so I could drive it down our street and act like a racecar driver. He supported me through everything I’ve done or tried. No matter how obscure or pointless, he has always supported me and tried to help in anyway he could.

 

When I was about 4 years old my mother married her first husband, Timothy. We all moved into the Maple Valley/Black Diamond area where we lived for the 3 years of their marriage. While they were married I went to my first years of school, rode my first dirt bike and my first 4-wheeler, and I rode in my first 18-wheeler big rig. Sadly, Chuck wasn’t able to be there with me this whole time. My stepfather didn’t want me to be around my grandparents as much as I was, so I rarely saw the two of them over the next 3 years. Then my mother and stepfather divorced. I was too young to understand exactly what was going on. Yet, I could tell something was wrong.

 

My mother and I moved out into a small apartment near my grandparents in Des Moines. I began to see my grandparents daily, as my mom could not afford daycare and had to work 40 hours a week to keep our apartment. My grandfather and I played catch, my grandmother and I did arts and crafts, and I was happy again.

 

About a year later my mother decided to re-marry, his name is Ryan. They are still married, and their 9th anniversary is coming in January 2010. Ryan was one of my best friends while my parents were dating, and I could tell by the look in my mom’s eyes that she really loved him. I was still a little too young to realize what was really going on. All I knew was that I thought Ryan was cool, and if he married my mom I would be able to see my grandparents whenever I wanted.

Once they were married, my life; well, my life changed. It became happier, more joyful and peaceful, and nothing was wrong. Chuck became a part of my life again, as well as my grandmother, Judy. One dream I had when I was a child, was to live right next to my grandparents. I wished we could all live close to each other and see each other every single day. That wish quickly became reality.

 

Ryan, my new stepfather, purchased property in Hobart Washington. He renovated an old garage on the property so that my grandparents could live there and my grandfather could retire. Although it was a stressful process, at long last, my dream had come true. Sadly, the recent economy forced us all to move out. We moved, but we still live close by.

 

Now, I’ve begun my first year of college. I want to attain an Associates degree in Information Technologies, and possibly my Bachelors degree. It’s going to be a long and strenuous journey, but all I care about is making my grandfather proud, and to make something of myself. This is for you grandpa, I love you.

 

Please don't be too critical! I've never shown my writing to anyone and I haven't been in school since 8th grade (lol at that :P) so I'm sure my writing skill is basically zero. but please do tell me what you think. Just no flames :P

 

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Thank you for sharing. I applaud you for being brave enough to post your writing and ask for critique. (I would have a hard time doing that.)

 

I actually found the piece moving. Okay, I shed a tear lol (seriously). The spirit of the essay is achieved in my eyes ( pun intended, shame on me lol). However, your professor is going to be looking for a bit more organization.

 

Stuff you already know but here I go anyway.

 

The main things to remember in writing an essay are your thesis ( your main point which you want to present early/ longer essays might have more than 1) and your supporting paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one idea with 3 or 4 sentences supporting the opening statement, usually the 1st sentence of that paragraph.

 

For each paragraph, think about what point you want to get across and stick to that. Anything that doesn't exactly fit, maybe it can be used in another.

 

To honor your own creative storytelling, don't be too rigid with these rules. One of the things that works really well in your essay is how you present a few positive experiences and then bring us back to the absence of Chuck within the same paragraph.

"While they were married I went to my first years of school, rode my first dirt bike and my first 4-wheeler, and I rode in my first 18-wheeler big rig. Sadly, Chuck wasn’t able to be there with me this whole time." Nice!

[double check the rules for conjunctions and commas. Sometimes best to start new sentence...)

 

I would suggest you sit back and review it. See if there are some words missing etc. Spell check will not catch those. An example is Paragraph 1 sentence 2 "I was born on March 9th, 1993, at about 3 A.M. [at the] Highline Community Hospital [in]Burien [where is Burien? (pretend Prof doesn't know)].

 

Go over the order of your sentences, the order of information. Question your choice in punctuation. Ask, "hey, do I really need a fancy semi-colon here?". For example "Once they were married, my life; well, my life changed." I like that sentence by the way but maybe another punctuation would best fit.

 

Figure out when you need to repeat a name or to substitute a pronoun.

 

I wasn't clear what you meant by the second half of this sentence: "He became like a father figure to me, he filled the void that most people didn’t have to deal with."

 

I hope I made sense and that this will be helpful somehow. Forgive the length of my reply.

 

I'm simply offering info I've picked up along the way. I'm no expert. Always double check. If I'm wrong, you or anyone else feel free to correct me.

 

I'm curious about the story between 8th grade and college. Next essay?

 

Good luck!

 

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I feel you on some of the stuff you said. How you said in an essay your paragraphs need to be organized and need like 3-4 sentences that support what your saying, I believe your thinking of a persuasive essay or whatever.

 

The assignment is to write an ACTUAL autobiography in one page. (Which I learned today also needs to be double spaced so I have to trash this one and re-write it.)

 

Yea I need to look over my punctuation lol.

 

Burien is a city here in Washington state, which I'm sure he knows since he has taught english in Washington state for 5 years :P Yes, I should have made that clearly though.

 

I used the semi-colon because I wanted a longer pause in the sentence, like, "my life...... Well, it changed." So I used a semi-colon. Maybe I should have just used a comma though.

 

The second part of the "void" sentence was referring to my grandpa stepping in and filling the spot of "father", and it was something that most people didnt have to deal with, I.E not having a father or having to have that spot filled.

 

Thank you for your input!!!!!!!!! :D

 

 

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I'm not one for critique on this, just had to say that this story moved me, and wish you best of luck in college and family. :shy:

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As you probably know papers usually have one of three goals. 1. To persuade. 2. To Entertain. or 3. To Inform.

 

And let me just say, you wrote briefly and clearly, your points were well divided and in great form. Overall, I as a reader was very informed and the information stuck well. :)

Of course there is always room for improvement, but I'm in no position to give advice yet. (Cause I wouldn't know what to improve lol)

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I'm not one for critique on this, just had to say that this story moved me, and wish you best of luck in college and family. :shy:

Mission accomplished :P and thank you :)

 

 

As you probably know papers usually have one of three goals. 1. To persuade. 2. To Entertain. or 3. To Inform.

 

And let me just say, you wrote briefly and clearly, your points were well divided and in great form. Overall, I as a reader was very informed and the information stuck well. :)

Of course there is always room for improvement, but I'm in no position to give advice yet. (Cause I wouldn't know what to improve lol)

 

I'm not sure if I should thank you or like, "thats what I was hoping to do" or like, "yea there is always room to improve".... But thanks :)

 

It means alot that everyone took the time to read it! :D

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:icon_clap: very moving. i really like this story you did better than i could ever do. your writing skills are really good. your going to do fine and great in life. just stick stick stick to your goals. (: because you can do anything that you wanna do. and you say you havent been in school since 8th grade? i dont believe that. lol. your writing doesnt show it one bit. good luck and keep doin what you do!

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Thanks Kiirby that means alot :) and its true, I told my school district I was going to start homeschooling, my mom got the license, we filled the paper work to be able to do it on our own, then I never started a school program so I basically skipped school until now :)

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